The truce

april 21Anxiety is screaming at the top of her lungs. Finally, I stop.

“Alright, I’m listening.”

I feel bad for her, actually. I hadn’t been listening – I never listen to my anxiety.

She speaks: “You need to know if there’s more than just Attraction. Where is this going?”

“It’s been a month. Don’t you think it’s too soon to ask that?”

The question is rhetorical; I feel her glower at me. She’s is so vindictive with this nausea and this fatigue that makes me feel like I weigh 500 pounds.

Finally I throw myself at the bed and start crying. It’s kind of the equivalent of sticking your finger down your throat when you have a hangover. I just need to get this out. This is an attack – and this will pass.

I’m not getting what I need from Attraction. He’s nice to me, he treats me well, he’s done nothing to make me feel like I need to throw myself on the bed and ball my eyes out – but I’m not getting what I need to be happy in a relationship with him. Anxiety knows that and she’s freaking out!

I don’t know it yet – I don’t trust myself so I’m really upset. I need to talk to him.