I have gone back to a thought, which has always brought me comfort, which has always made me feel better:

Jesus loves me.

Therefore, needing to be loved by anyone else is a selfish, earthly desire.

My humanity is not dependent on how much I am loved, but by how much I love. And no one can tell me not to love.

I want to love Dustin. This is the source of my nausea: holding back my feelings, pretending to be blasé or less invested than I am and the fear that I may be stripped of my ability to love if he leaves me in the future makes me feel like puking.

Everyone left Jesus – and they let him suffocate to death: he didn’t stop loving. If he had, he would have sacrificed his humanity.

And what is God without his humanity?

What am I without the purpose to love in the very same way?