Turning point #3

jan 10 - turning point 3

So I’m at the pool. I’m standing waist-deep in the shallow end. I’ve adjusted my goggles, must be a half a dozen times now. My hands are out in front of me, but I can’t submerge myself completely.

The anticipation of the cold water causes me angst. Sometimes I stand halfway submerged or sit on the edge with my feet hanging over the side for 10 – 15 minutes. Then I get angsty about people watching me, wondering why I won’t just get in. I used to be a speed swimmer, so this wasn’t always a trigger for anxiety, but obviously it’s developed. Okay, Raquel, quit procrastinating and get in. I take a deep breath, submerge my head and scream under water as I feel the shock from the cold.

I love swimming. I hate cold water. So minus a Christmas afternoon swim, today is my first swim in about 6 months. Big deal, you probably think. I pay $235/month for use of the pool and the fitness area at my condo. That makes me angsty.

Eating also makes me angsty. That’s why I had Jell-O for breakfast. I read somewhere that you should start the day off with sugar and protein. Sometimes now I eat dessert for breakfast.

My anxiety makes it difficult for me to tell if I’m hungry, and other times to determine when I’m full. So basically, I eat in order to not fall over. I miss having an interest in food and I think my Celexa messes with my metabolism.

Body image plays a part too. Weight gain and loss is desirable as I flip flop about what I want to look like. Right now I weigh about 125 lbs. I would like to weigh 115 llbs. I plan to accomplish this by eating smaller portions – not giving up Jell-O.

My thoughts tend to wander when I swim. But taking note of where the thoughts go and which ones cause me anxiety, help. After all, what silly things to worry about – cold water and Jell-O.