Breaking point

jan 6 - breaking pointMy nausiety is back. I’ve hit my breaking point: that point it hits you that everyone in your life is capable of hurting you and you are alone…again.

It’s like as if you were standing in a busy park or downtown square: you look down to tie your shoe and when you look back up – everyone has disappeared. And you don’t know why. All you know is there’s this physical pain inside your chest and everyone you have ever loved is gone.

That’s the root of my nausiety. That’s the fear I hope Adivan will help me not feel. I want to believe that everyone is reliable, but they’re not. Everyone is unreliable and they’re all free to leave the park whenever they want…all at the same time – they’re all allowed to leave me at the same time.

So what do I do? When I have no control over everyone else?

What do I do when the God who made me of flesh and blood is Himself, nothing but thin air?

Who do I hold hands with?

Who do I love besides ghosts?