My results from the chakra test:

Root:under-active(-31%) (feeling at home)

Sacral:open(12%) (feeling and sexuality)

Navel:open(25%) (being comfortable in a group)

Heart:over-active(75%) (emotion and love)

Throat:open(44%) (self-expression and talking)

Third Eye:under-active(0%) (insight and visualization/intuition)

Crown:under-active(-19%) (wisdom/being one with the world)

My initial reaction on my chakra test:

“I have an over-active heart? Holy hell, even this yoga test is telling me I feel too much! This is so unfair.”

My reaction after reading the supplemental information that goes along with the test:

The website begins by saying, “Mostly techniques to open chakras are used. It makes no sense to try to make over-active chakras less active, as they are compensating for other chakras.”

This gives me just a tiny bit of satisfaction: so the issue isn’t that I feel too much, it’s simply that my other chakras are just too closed. Open my other chakras and my tendency to “suffocate people with my love, which probably has quite selfish reasons” will get itself under control. (I’m making a frowny face right now, just so you know.)

Okay, let’s look at where I’m most lacking. I have -31% in my root chakra, the chakra that encompasses feeling at home in situations. That’s minus 31 percent: so not only is the door firmly closed, it’s bolted shut, and there’s a giant padlock on it. I’ve also probably lost the key to that padlock and will have to call in professionals for this one. In other words, “I don’t feel grounded, stable or secure.” Nor do I “feel present in the here and now or connected to my physical body.”

Still making a frowny face, but I can’t really argue with that. Whatever, let’s move onto the next one.

My Crown chakra is “only” -19%! (That’s a sarcastic exclamation mark.)

“The Crown chakra is about wisdom and being one with the world. When this chakra is open, you are unprejudiced and quite aware of the world and yourself. If it is under-active, you’re not very aware of spirituality. You’re probably quite rigid in your thinking.” Seriously? Me? Rigid in my thinking? Not aware of my spirituality? This is bunk!

Uh, I mean…hahaha, ok, I could benefit from some work in being open-minded. Jeez, this is embarrassing.

The Third Eye chakra, of which I scored 0% is, according to the website, about insight and having good intuition.

It says, “If it is under-active, you’re not very good at thinking for yourself, and you may tend to rely on authorities. You may be rigid in your thinking, relying on beliefs too much. You might even get confused easily.”

I will admit that I get confused easily, but do I really have zero intuition? Is that even possible?

I feel so bad about myself right now. According to this test, I am a confused and unspiritual rigid thinker, who is also a selfish lover.

Ok, wait, this is my over-active heart chakra speaking. This is a non-scientific website quiz that is telling me I don’t think for myself. I can definitely think for myself…I think.

I just wish the voices in my head would go away. You know, all the voices you kind of collect over the years – the voices of people who tell you things like, “You should have known better, Raquel. You know he didn’t want a relationship, but you always chase these guys who don’t want to be with you.”

Or the voices that say, “I wouldn’t have slept with you if I wasn’t so drunk” or “I didn’t think you were sleeping. You came on to me!”

Those voices that I play on repeat. Those voices that even Yoga, or Celexa or Lorazapam can’t erase entirely. And now I’m crying over some stupid online chakra test because it too is telling me that I can’t think for myself, that I love selfishly and that I have no intuition. Maybe if I had some intuition I would have known to avoid those guys. Maybe if I didn’t love so strongly – and selfishly, I would have left behind people who weren’t good for me. Maybe if I could think for myself, I could have shrugged off all those voices with the snap of my fingers.

Or maybe – and here’s a thought – maybe what I’m going through has nothing to do with my damn chakras at all – maybe it has to do with the fact I was hurt by people I trusted. And maybe it has nothing to do with me – maybe it wasn’t my fault.

Maybe my chakras are just fine. Maybe it’s just the events that other people have caused that has a ripple effect and has knocked me a little off balance. But maybe I’m still fine, intact even, and I just have to ride out this wave until I can right myself again. Maybe that’s the case, you dumb chakra test; did you ever think about that?