On October 17th, a reader sent me this message (with permission to post it):
Hi Raquel. I just had to say that your blog post I saw earlier this week (from all sides) certainly resonated with me, and I figured I’d share some thoughts on that.
As crappy and insensitive as it sounds, hearing this at least validates to me I may be making the right decision when it comes to NOT doing that behaviour.
I’d have to say I agree entirely with the use of presumptuous as a way to describe it. It seems arrogant and prudish to me to make advances when you aren’t sure that they are reciprocated.
I know society and guy understanding is typically “no harm, no foul” and “nothing ventured, nothing gained”, but it really must be crappy being on the receiving side of it time and time again. I sure wouldn’t like to have my night ruined. A little regret of inaction on my part seems a small price to pay in favour of sparing her from a potentially ruined night.
Though I don’t know if that is just being a self-righteous noble and (lonely, if I’m being this honest already) idiot. I’ll fully admit that I’m likely an outlier when it comes to typical male behaviour in the realm of dating and romance. It certainly does me no favours. Being too cautious gets you nowhere.
The question is, where can that healthy balance lie? A man has always been expected to “go for it”, and asking for permission is a turn-off in the eyes of most.
Would I be correct in thinking that this thought crosses a woman’s mind in a scenario like that; How can I trust for him to care and understand my needs and desires when he can’t even tell when I want a kiss??
We can be pretty stupid, and subtle hints that signify affection is welcomed can be overlooked quite easily. (On a personal note, I hate all the subtlety. Seems like too much of a game then.) So guys usually assume just try and see if it’s ok and burn, rather than possibly miss out.
If it’s not too personal for me to ask, do you the status quo a crappy way to approach things? What do you feel is appropriate then?